give me my money back, you bitch's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] give me my money back, you bitch [ website | lesbians! ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(3 | inconceivable!) [25 Sep 2009|11:17pm]  i want to drink vodka and watch battleship potemkin. maybe get raped by a coupla cossacks while i'm at it.

(inconceivable!) good advice [12 Aug 2009|11:59pm] [ mood | frustrated ] note: when the boy you like rises from your bed the next morning and asks you to come have dim sum, the answer that comes out of your mouth should be "yes". even if you don't want dim sum, even if you want a fat burger and a milkshake, even if you don't particularly want to go outside at all because it is hot and you are hungover and you smell kind of weird and it's more fun to lay around in bed watching dr. katz, you say yes to dim sum; because saying yes to blow jobs but no to lunch dates kind of sends the wrong goddamn message.

(5 | inconceivable!) [06 Aug 2009|01:50am] sometimes i will place my hand lovingly upon my stomach while i am smoking a cigarette and then wait for someone to chastise me.

(4 | inconceivable!) a taste of a-freak-a [29 Jun 2009|01:00am] [ mood | relieved ] [ music | polyphonic spree--it's the sun ] ( Hakuna Matata, bitches. )( Hakuna Matata, bitches. )( Hakuna Matata, bitches. ) maybe if you guys behave i'll show you the picture of a lioness licking her vag on the side of the road. MAYBE.

(2 | inconceivable!) oh...are you...finished? [13 Jun 2009|11:53am] [ mood | horny ] [ music | michael jackson- P.Y.T ] i accidently had sex with a 46 year old on-air sports personality last night. over and over again. but only for about two minutes each time. i don't care how many times you can get it up, dude; two minutes aint gonna do it. i was visibly pissed but he seemed kind of oblivious and was like, "i'll bet you're gonna sleep like a baby tonight." then i shot him in the face. 46, seriously? my dad is pretty solid so i'm relatively certain i don't have any daddy issues; i think perhaps i just have bourbon issues. also, aren't old dudes supposed to be good at sex? i mean, he has literally been having sex longer than i've been alive. and then afterwards he rolled over and started telling me about how his ex-wife didn't believe in him and how i should really follow my dreams and blah blah blah. i seriously felt like i was having a talk about my future with my high school counselor. my naked high school counselor. i went to a very progressive school.

(4 | inconceivable!) my grammy never gave gifts, she was too busy getting raped by cossacks [06 Jun 2009|11:45am] [ mood | hung-ovaaaaah! ] [ music | dr katz ] so i've been seeing this dude for a few weeks and last night decided to break if off basically because he is lame and i am awesome. i did not say this during said break up, but i'm pretty sure he knew that was the reason. he came over after work bearing spinach knishes that his mother made. the knishes i can get behind, but the 31 year old man still living with his jewish mother who hates me with the fire of one thousand suns was a contributing factor to the whole let's-not-see-each-other-anymore thing. it presented a problem though, as how does one break up and still enjoy delicious, yiddish fried goods? it's a delicate thing and must be approached cautiously. unfortunately, by the time he came over i had the entire contents of a bottle of shiraz coursing through my veins and i just bulldozed my way right through it. we had some of that break up sex you hear so much about and i won't lie, part of the reason i agreed to it was because i was hoping he would offer up the knishes later in our post-coital pre-getthehelloutofmyhouse -glow. THIS WAS NOT THE CASE. he got dressed, put on his dumb hat that he thinks makes him look like christian bale circa newsies but in fact conjures up images of fucking barbra streisand circa yentl, and left, knishes in tow. now it is saturday morning and i am seriously considering calling his mother and asking her to make me some; she probably likes me now that i'm not banging her son.

(17 | inconceivable!) your highness, i beg you, PLEASE don't fingerbang that manatee [15 May 2009|09:29am] [ mood | stressed ] [ music | the bird and the bee ] good morning, journal. what's the good word? i apologize i've been neglecting you for.... ten months. i'd like to say that this entry, here on may 15, 2009, is my first step towards remedying our relationship, but i couldn't lie to you like that. we've been through too much. i want very much for us to be friends again, but you know me; i am unreliable. but baby, that don't mean we can't try. so i was awoken...awakened...whatever, this morning i was jolted out of blissful slumber by my miley cyrus ringtone. i looked at the number, which i did not recognize, and then looked at the clock, which said SEVEN GODDAMN OH EIGHT, and then sleepily pressed ignore. thirty seconds later, my brain was assaulted by the deafening ring signaling a voicemail. i applied to a couple of hotels the other day and was kind of hoping that perhaps it was one of them calling me back. i could forgive them for the seven a.m. wake up call if they were willing to give me dental. but alas, no. it was evan from charles schwab, calling to inquire about a check i had presented and would i please call back before noon, eastern standard time? at this point i was already awake and i figured i might as well get it over with, and now, two and a half hours later, i'm really wishing i had just gone the fuck back to sleep. i moved last month, back to san francisco. this was a good idea on many levels, all the levels that are important to you when you are 23 and romantic. however, it was not such a hot plan on the "have money to exist" level, which, no matter how much you try to tell yourself it's not, is actually pretty fucking important. i was pretty okay before bank of america raped 700 dollars out of me in overdraft fees (all over the course of one weekend, god bless them) and now chuck is taking 300 dollars for reasons i don't understand. just to make it clear, i do not have an extra 1000 dollars lying around to donate to various financial institutions. that 1000 dollars was reserved for whiskey sours and PBR, aka the month of may. at any rate, fuck it. i am monumentally screwed right now, but i suppose all i can do at 10 am is turn on re-runs of frasier, make a pot of coffee, and chain smoke out the kitchen window until it gets to an appropriate time for me to not feel bad about opening a bottle of wine and getting smashed so as to forget my financial woes. that time may or may not be 10:30. in other news, sex! i have kind of been having it. this in theory is good. also, i have kind of been having it with a bearded jew from new york who looks like ben affleck circa 2004. again, on paper, this is fucking awesome. unfortch (almost as unfortch as me saying "unfortch"), in practice, these seemingly fantastic circumstances have been less than stellar. for one, 2004 affleck is no 1998 affleck. however, i am well aware that 2004 affleck is still infinitely better than my right hand, so i won't shoot my mouth off on that one lest god think me ungrateful. the real pinch is that man! this dude is lame. like, real fuckin lame. goes on adult scavenger hunts, orders mai tais at dinner, listens to barenaked ladies-lame. i am interested in nothing about him except for the exceptional way he gets his heeby-swirl on, and this makes me depressed because remember when i wasn't such a slut? i used to be totally adorable and all about the yellow tent and learning to play cat stevens songs on the banjo. now i'm just some big ol' prosty, sacrificing decency and mutual admiration for a (sweet ass) lay. i've been dickmatized. so everyone and their mother is graduating from college tomorrow. including my NEPHEW. meanwhile, i am tentatively registering for one summer class at city college. first time back in school in four years! maybe i will have a degree by the time i'm 38. i'd have a fuckin doctorate by now if they gave those out for being periodically unemployed, constantly drunk, and successfully watching every single episode of the munsters. anyone go to a school like that?

(7 | inconceivable!) that's actually my gay uncle. [05 Apr 2009|03:00pm] [ mood | VIENNA! FUCK YEAH! ] [ music | spiritualized ] hey! look! this is on me now! and nothing will ever tear us apart.

(8 | inconceivable!) i dare you to call boris karloff a cocksucker [25 Mar 2009|02:38pm] [ mood | lenny briscoe ] [ music | law and order ] hello friends. how are your hearts? mine is full of love for you, chocolate chip pancakes, and zac efron. when last we spoke, my darlings, i was filling your receptive brains with my brilliant commentary on the cinematic masterpiece known as twilight. but did you know that, since then, so much has happened? it's true! in those few short weeks, i managed to find a new apartment in san francisco (which i will be moving into in but 10 glorious days), quit my shitty, thankless, vomit-inducing job at the hotel, kiss several boys who were not worth it (and a couple who maybe kinda were), come out to a rooftop full of strangers, go back in when i realized i like peter bogdonovich too much, met martin landau, swallowed my lip ring whilst inhaling a chipotle burrito (WORTH IT) and, perhaps most importantly, began the transfer of my creepy celebrity love from colin farrell to robert pattinson. i am an asset to the human race. IN OTHER NEWS, after three years of debate, i have finally decided that this bitch is going to be permanently inked on my body. any of you kids in southern or northern california have any recommendations as to tattoo parlors or artists who would be good for that sort of work? the tattoos i have already are all super simple, and i think part of their charm is that they're a little imperfect. this would be my first (and probably only) relatively elaborate piece and i want it to be good, so i want to make sure i find someone who knows what they're doing. i must be off, so i will leave you to digest all of this fascinating information. goodbye journal friends!

(2 | inconceivable!) it's like diamonds! [02 Mar 2009|05:59pm] [ mood | boner ] [ music | supergrass-in it for the money ] i've tried to write several times over the last week or so because so much is going on. as soon as i write it all out though, i realize nobody gives a shit but me, so i click the little x, guzzle down a bottle'o'two-buck-chuck, and go on my merry way. however, i did something today that warrants--nay, NECESSITATES-- an announcement for all of livejournal to hear: yes, children. it's true. i finally saw twilight. before you scoff and say, "but jordin, i couldn't give two drippy shits about twilight, why should i care?" let me tell you this: my word is gospel. this movie is terrible. it is terrible in all the right ways. it's melodramatic and embarrassing, it's sappy and takes itself too seriously. nobody gets drunk, and nobody gets naked. in short, it's me sophomore year of high school. and considering i totally thought i was the shit in tenth grade (so brilliant! so misunderstood! so still a virgin!) i naturally want to give up all my money to see this shitty movie over and over and over again just to prove a point.* at any rate, robert pattinson gives me a raging boner so i think i am going to jump on his bandwagon. i'm always late when it comes to these things. better that than my period, i guess. see ya! *the point being i was fucking awesome when i was 15 and should have grossed 368 million dollars worldwide.

(2 | inconceivable!) next year in jerusalem! [25 Dec 2008|11:58am] [ mood | festivus ] [ music | law and order, bitches ] hello children. today is christmas, and for that reason i say the following: merry christmas. i had to explain my reasoning just in case you couldn't figure it out. at any rate, even though my family doesn't technically celebrate this particular holiday (whose birthday? was he mexican?) i still manage to clean up every year thanks to my mother's nostalgia for her own childhood. sandy claws graced me with not one but two bottles of burberry london, a few dvds i guess i wanted but didn't have any interest in paying for (those make the best kinds of gifts), a new ipod to replace the one i left on an airplane in fucking ethiopia (a word to the wise: keep track of your belongings whilst traveling in africa and sloshed on free johnny walker black), not to mention a brand new oral-b pulsar toothbrush. little does sandy claws know, he already got one of those for me when i took his credit card to target last week. one can really never have too many toothbrushes. anyway, i have to work this afternoon which blows my baubles, but oh well. my mom is bringing me tuna casserole, and if anyone decides they're gonna be an asshole today, i'm just gonna inform them that hey, it's christmas, and if you don't back off, i will do things to you that will make what the romans did to jesus look like a nice game of twister. that's more of an easter threat, but threatening to impregnate rude guests with the holy seed of god doesn't hold the same effect as the image of getting nailed to a two by four. kthnxbai.

(inconceivable!) [21 Oct 2008|04:28pm] [ music | bottle up and explode! ] i still miss you as much as i did four years and 364 days ago. thanks, elliott.

(inconceivable!) smile like you've just burned your husband's groin [09 Oct 2008|05:19pm] [ mood | hungry ] [ music | david bowie--hang on to yourself ] i decided i'm gonna be daniel plainview for halloween because i just watched that movie again for the first time in a few months and FUCK daniel day lewis is awesome. if any of you suckers know where i can get a stetson campaign hat and an old timey moustachio, i'd be greatly obliged. also, if you are small and boyish, or you have a small and boyish small boy locked in your basement, you or your kidnapping victim should consider being my son and business partner H.W. plainview. the large and mannish are also welcome to apply; you can purchase yourself a milkshake costume and let me drink you UP. in other news:

(6 | inconceivable!) i never did shit on drugs except play halo 2 [01 Oct 2008|03:58pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | the monkees ] thanks to the bestie, in three hours i'm going to be ten feet away from my favorite jew. PLASTICS. also, register to vote, suckas! this shit is only a few weeks away, and leonardo dicaprio says it's important.

(2 | inconceivable!) [27 Sep 2008|03:29pm] [ mood | mofuggin HOT! ] [ music | metric--hustle rose ] who took the keys to the goddamn camel?

(2 | inconceivable!) we leave at daybreak! [05 Sep 2008|12:51am] [ mood | gross! ] [ music | the virgins--one weekend of danger ] so, it came to my attention a few days ago that i have a sebaceous cyst.​ or anywa​y,​ that'​s what my mom said​ and she'​s a mofug​gin M.D. so i guess​ i shoul​d trust​ her. it didn't reall​y look like anything at first, just like someb​ody punch​ed me in the chest​ and left a gnarl​y bruis​e right​ in betwe​en my (​magni​ficen​t)​ chi-​chis.​ however now, seabiscuit the sebaceous cyst has gotten bigger, and it. is. disgusting. doctah mommy took a look at it and told me i was lucky cause it looks like it's coming to a head and should drain soon. then i threw up all over her face. first of all, it looks like i have motherfucking Kuato growing out of the middle of my chest, and second, i am not interested in having things on my body that "drain." i have been obsessively watching videos of people popping cysts because i am the most revolting person in the world (boys, put your peters in me!), but it is an entirely different enchilada if it's me that shit is happening to. i will punch myself in the head until i knock myself out if i have to, i refuse to be conscious for that particular milestone. if you are not currently vomiting all over your keyboard, here is another piece of information: it's the last weekend of bodyworlds and i'm goin tomorrow afternoon! it's only like, 20 bucks for admission and the IMAX movie, i'm driving, and maybe, if you play your cards right, i'll let you take a look at the mutant alien baby currently housed betwixt my knockers.

(1 | inconceivable!) smile, you're about to get sued [04 Aug 2008|05:09pm] [ mood | horny ] [ music | the hum of the man next to me,whose smell is so pungent it has developed sound ] did you sluts know that i'm in africa? because boy oh boy, that's where i am, and that's where i have been for nearly three months, and that's where you all should come and live because beer is 90 cents and you can buy single cigarettes from rastas on the street for a penny. i'm comin home in about two weeks, and i have already informed the internet that i expect a double double from in'n'out and a glass of bourbon the very MINUTE i step foot onto american soil. what i also need, but will wait until i get out of the airport for (maybe up until the parking lot) is to make sweet love to anything that moves. i don't even care how it happens. whether somebody has a party and i do too many tequila shots and bone some friend of a friend and then hate myself afterwards, or i go to a bar and do too many tequila shots and forget that fucking strangers is bad and then hate myself afterwards, or i go down to a skeezy part of hollywood and pick up some tranny hooker and am out 30 bucks and then think of myself as a golden god afterwards, I NEED TO HAVE SEX. you would think that since i went a good 16 years without it, three months would not be a big deal; but friend, you are mistaken. and perhaps it's inappropriate to talk about how horny you are through a livejournal entry while you are in africa curing blind orphans with your malaria free blood (even though you haven't taken your malarone in a month and a half and never use your mosquito net--suck on that, malaria!) but i do not care. appropriateness be damned! the easiest way to get laid is to announce it to the internet, because obviously that is where all the upstanding, STD-free young people hang out. was that an appropriate place to put a semi-colon? fucking punctuation.

(5 | inconceivable!) you invited a sex offender to seder? [15 May 2008|08:09pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | waldorf-you're my disco ] new tattoo! i tried to take this picture as if i were looking lovingly down upon my beautiful new baby, but instead it looks like the point of view of some dude i'm about to blow.

(4 | inconceivable!) i'm doing a sociological study on perversion. i'm up to Advanced Child Molesting. [12 May 2008|01:13am] [ mood | smarmy ] [ music | stereolab-percolator ] plans for the week include dinner at the seafood toilet with one ms. angelisa hoover, finally getting a new tattoo, seeing ferraby lionheart at the troubadour and satisfaction at the viper room, a woody allen double feature of bananas and sleeper at the new bev, and a glorious weekend spent in san francisco (for reals this time!). "what could be better?" you ask me. and i shall answer, "the only thing that could make this week have even more potential for awesomeness is if you included yourself in any or all of these kick ass activities." and then you go, "well, okay, sure, count me in!" and we hang out and maybe we go to the movie and get popcorn and our hands touch when we both reach into the bag and the electricity is there we can't deny it but oh god should we pursue this? we can't ruin our friendship you mean too much to me but fuck it we're adults let's do it we'll keep it casual no one has to know yeah let's do it i'm ready i mean it let's do it. GOD DAMMIT YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME also: the amount of days left before i go back to the motherland ("africa" is actually code for "compton") is down to the single digits. now when i tell someone i'm going to tanzania for three months and they ask me when i'm leaving, i can say something like NEXT MOTHERFUCKING THURSDAY, BITCH p.s. i pressed the random button on my cocktail generator, and it introduced me to the jeremy laurence. i think i found my new favorite drink!

(11 | inconceivable!) did anyone ask america in 2000 if we were ready for a moron? [08 May 2008|12:46pm] [ mood | i'm rich, bitch ] [ music | mary poppins ] dear G-Dub, in the interest of showing that i can indeed be grateful to even the most repugnant of characters, i would like to thank you for giving me 600 clams. for the first time in eight years, i don't 100 percent want to vomit all over your face; now it's only like, 97 percent. have a great day and fuck your father, jordin elizabeth it would be smart for me to use this money towards paying off my parking tickets, considering i will probably get arrested at the airport when i try to get back in the country, but mama needs a new pair of let's get drunk in san francisco. new tattoo here i come!

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